For me to move forward into even deeper healing, and ‘clean house’ so to speak, I need to share it. It’s things I will never share with the group, or possibly anyone else, but I feel with this new calling, I need to have it known, so the enemy can’t blackmail me by threatening to tell my deepest shame. Do you think you can hear it?” she finished.
Jake had been listening quietly, her words hitting harder than she knew, and now he reached over and took her hand, “You’ve carried this alone for far too long. I can hear whatever you need to say, and Mags, you know it won’t go any farther. I knew you had the meetup, but I had no idea the things you were helping people with. I’m amazed. To overcome so much, and then turn around and help others begin to overcome it, is a testimony to not only your strength and courage, but also to your love for other hurting people, and your gift for healing others.
It’s not just your gift of discernment that helps you see their need, it’s also the deep empathy you have, and the shared experiences.” I need to tell her; but how do you tell a woman like Maggie, something like that?
“Thank you, Jake,” Maggie felt comforted by his words. “There’re many things I will share, but it will have to come as I’m able. Unfortunately, there are still things that trigger me and the PTSD tries to take over. I know how to sit in it for a bit and figure out what is triggered, and why, but it still takes its toll on me.
When I called you for coffee yesterday, I had been triggered. I couldn’t speak it then, but I needed you. I realized, part of the pain that overwhelmed me, was the outrage I’m now able to admit and discuss; but also, the silence I’ve been trapped in for over 20 years. I just need to say it to another human being, so it can lose its hold over me. To speak it out loud starts the ball rolling. It’s like unlocking a door that can now open. and the closet can be cleaned. As long, as the door stays shut and locked, it stays inside you.”
Jake remembered the way she’d looked when they had coffee. He’d known then she was upset, but not why. He kicked himself for not staying with her longer. “Can you open the door?” I hope she trusts me enough to let me help her with this; she’s carried it long enough, and this is what causes those times when she shuts down completely. I understand that all too well.
“I have to.” Maggie closed her eyes, and he saw her shoulders rise as she took a deep breath, then slowly let it out and opened them. He saw the deep shadow of pain cross her face, and she took another breath. “The loss of a child always hits home,” she spoke softly, eyes filling with tears. “I lost a baby girl. She was born too early. She never had a chance.”
“I knew you’d lost a child,” he shared. “Was there more to it?”
